My Ruby Red Slippers

I just had the following conversation with a Direct TV customer service rep. No lie.

Customer service rep (from here on in, referred to as CSR - CRAZY service rep):  

"This is Crazy Service Rep - how may I make you a satisfied customer today?" 

(PS, she mostly failed on that one.)

Me. Otherwise referred to as AA - Aggravated Amy: "Hi! I'm interested in your $29.99 a month package. How much total will I pay after adding a dvr and 2 receivers?"

CSR: "Okay, thank you for your interest in become a Direct TV customer. I will need your full name and telephone number that I may better serve you today."

AA: "Uh..okay. Amy Smith. 123-456-7890." (NOT my real number, so don't call it or you'll end up with a suspicious call to China on your phone bill, totally forget you dialed a crazy fake number you read on a blog, and blame your poor hubby for calling one of THOSE numbers. Or something like that.)

CRS: "And may I please have your address, including zip code?"

AA: "Um, you know I'm not actually ordering your service just yet, right? (awkward laughter) I mean, I just want to know if I should switch from my current company or not."

CSR: "Yes ma'am, but I can't give you an accurate quote until I see what area you live in."

Which begs the question, are there areas that get better deals that *we* do?! And what is the deciding criteria for that decision? Hmmmm... But I will not go there with poor, crazy service rep person. Focus.

So I give her my address and zip.

CSR: "Okay, now if I could get your email address, to further find credits I can give you."
AA: "You can't give me a price without my email address? This paper says $29.99...is that not the price for this package?"
CSR: "I will let you know what I can offer you once I get your email address."

AA: "You're saying you can't move past that screen? Is that what you mean?"

CSR: "Yes ma'am, I cannot get to the next screen until I get your email address."

Which begs the question...what about those without email addresses? Guess you don't get Direct TV. Sorry.

2 minutes later...

CSR: "So I see I can offer you the package you want for $64.99 minus the promotional $14.99."

AA: "Okay, how much is that, then?"

CSR: "Well, that would be $64.99 minus the $14.99 credit. So, um, yeah. That's the total."

What?!

AA: "Okay, I'll do the math. That's $50.00, without the add ons so far. So, where is the $29.99 deal that I'm seeing on this paper you sent me? How do I get that price?"

CSR: "Okay, I will now need your social security number and I will run a check to see if we can give you the equipment for free."
AA: "You're going to run a credit check to give me the receiver to watch your channels?"
CSR: "Well, it's not like a real credit check, like when you buy a house or car."
AA: "Oh, okay, good. So what kind of credit check is it?"
CSR: "Um, well, it's just, well, you know, it's not like the one where you buy a house or car. It's just to see if we can trust you with our equipment. Like, if you ever kept one before."
AA: "Oh, so a background check then?"
CSR: "Well, no...I mean, really...it's just like a credit check. But not."
Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, crazy sales rep!

I'm going to have to summarize, because I was on the phone with her, and eventually one of her coworkers, for 45 minutes. This is the last few minutes of the call:

AA: "Can you tell me the total I will be charged today, for delivery?"
CSR: "I think we said $42.99." I write this down in my register.

AA: "But wait, I thought it was $19.99?
CSR: "Oh, yes, it's $19.99." I scribble out $42.99 and meticulously pen in "$19.99".
AA: "Plus tax?"
CSR: "Uh, yeah."
AA: "So that would be....?" Long pause.
CSR: "Okay, yes, that would be $36.99." No, I did not even attempt the why in the world is there $17 taxes on a $20 service charge question. Or the even better, you advertise NO START UP fees...but just charged me a $19.99 shipping fee. To get me started. No, that would have extended the conversation another 30 minutes. 

I scribbled out the wrong price for the 2nd time and added the correct, I HOPE, final price for today's non service charge. Or whatever.
AA: "Now can you tell me about your internet service deal with AT&T?"
CSR: "Yes, I can give you a number to call and they will give you another number to call and get help with that question."

Great. Thanks.
And that's exactly what she did. The 3rd woman was not an original English speaking person and at one point I heard myself saying to her: "Well, that was totally confusing...."
What's your crazy sales rep story? Cause you know you have one too....